Health & Fitness

Can I Buy My Wife a New Va-jay-jay?

Leyner: I can't hear you!

Studio Audience: Yes! We! Can!

I couldn't help but be impressed by Leyner's oratorical skills. His cadenced exhortations and choreographed gestures evoked some diabolical beer-hall demagogue more than your typical late-night infomercial host.

Man in Studio Audience: Exactly how tight can a mall-based Yum Yum Medspa laser vaginal rejuvenation make my wife's cha-cha? Can you measure it?

Leyner and Studio Audience: Yes! We! Can!

Leyner: As a very special, one-time-only, absolutely free Mother's Day premium, you will receive a pneumatic squeeze-bulb dynamometer, calibrated in pounds per square inch, that will enable you to measure the grip strength of your wife's new vagina. Yum Yum Medspa will guarantee--that's right, I said guarantee--a vaginal grip strength of more than 4,500 pounds per square inch. That's gotta feel mighty nice, boys! Why, keep in mind that a crocodile's bite strength is only about 3,000 pounds per square inch!

Man in Studio Audience: My wife is self-conscious about the size of her inner vaginal lips. She says they're too flappy. Can Yum Yum Medspa help her feel good about her labia?