Family & Fatherhood

Speech Therapy

Better ways to respond to sticky teenage blunders

He crashes the Camry
Once the adrenaline of near tragedy passes and everybody knows that cars don’t matter, people do, seize the teaching moment. Ask him to describe the accident in detail, and listen as he does. If he says anything, anything at all, to suggest that the crack-up was the other guy’s fault—this jerk cut me off; the putz didn’t signal—be crystal clear with him that it was his fault. Why? Because he forgot rule number one of safe driving, the one you told him 47 times: Assume that every other driver is a reckless incompetent, a split second from doing something dangerous. Make him raise his hand and vow to drive with that kind of caution. If he barks at all, tell him you’ll cancel his insurance so fast, the agent will need an airbag.

She flunks chemistry
You’ll want to start ranting, prophesying a life in hopeless uneducated squalor. But resist the temptation to “commodify” everything. Princeton University religion professor Cornel West uses that word to describe capitalism’s insistence on seeing value through the lens of utility and thereby underestimating elusive things of immeasurable worth. Oh, you’re allowed to care about chemistry—in fact, you’re obliged to—but fight tunnel-vision focus on get-ahead-in-life issues, like schoolwork, hygiene, manners. Position yourself as enlightened by selling out other dads thusly: “You know, lots of fathers see their kids only as achievement machines. Not me. I see you in all your glory, baby.” When she knows that her failure in chemistry can’t dampen your underlying enthusiasm about her, she’ll be way more open to figuring out the intricacies of covalent bonds.

He misses curfew
You’re entitled to be angry, and there should be consequences for his getting home late, but avoid the common mistake of emotionally checking out for a few days after the argument. Often, a dad will give the silent treatment until he or his son tosses a baseball observation across the ice between them. It’s wrong to disappear. A grown man ought to be clever enough to be angry without making a young man feel marginalized.

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