Family & Fatherhood

How to help your children—and yourself—grapple with the loss of a loved one

Author and psychologist Dan Gottlieb's latest book, Letters to Sam explores grief and loss

Nearly three decades ago, Dan Gottlieb, PhD, was driving down the Pennsylvania Turnpike to pick up a present for his wife for their 10th wedding anniversary. He was a happily married father of two with a thriving psychology practice. Suddenly, a wheel spun loose from a tractor-trailer in front of him, and the oversize projectile ricocheted across the freeway and crushed his automobile. Gottlieb awoke to find himself a quadriplegic.

While Gottlieb battled the depression brought on by his paralysis, his wife was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. The stress in their relationship led to a divorce, and then, on top of everything, his sister and close confidant died of a brain tumor.

Having survived so much, Gottlieb is now focused on helping others deal with their suffering. “When we suffer,” he says, “our healing is enhanced when we can help others.” He has written many books exploring issues of grief, including his latest, Letters to Sam, a collection of missives about life that he penned to his autistic grandson. Gottlieb addresses the same issues on his radio call-in show, Voices in the Family. Here, he talks about handling the loss of a loved one.  

Best Life: What do you tell people who’ve lost a loved one?
Dan Gottlieb: Cry. Rail at the injustice. Feel alone or scared or misunderstood. The problem starts when people try to avoid grief. When we don’t allow ourselves to suffer, feelings are buried alive and we’re in danger of acting out in other ways: drugs, work addiction, sex addiction, getting involved in a relationship too soon. Grief is not an illness that can be cured.

BL: Are there any active steps a grieving person can take?
DG: Well, it might sound simple, but you need to remember to do what we all do for a healthy body and mind: Eat good meals and go outside and get fresh air, exercise, and sunshine. Also recognize that alienation is a by-product of trauma. So you need to be near people who feel compassion for your suffering. When you feel as if you are in a dark hole, find someone who loves you enough to sit in there with you—not to tell you there’s life on the other side. Just find someone who loves you enough to be there.
 
BL: As a father, what can you do to help your child deal with grief?
DG: Psychiatrist Sheldon Kopp said that the most difficult part of loving is tolerating your helplessness in the face of a loved one’s suffering. Often, doing things to try to make someone feel better is about our own helplessness. This is especially difficult for men because we are acculturated to do things. What our children need from us most desperately is understanding. They need our love, and they need to know that we’ll be there for them no matter how long it takes to get through the difficult time.